Top 10 Zombie Apocalypse survival tips at Download – The Five Hundred
We’ve all seen The Walking Dead, and we all know that the zombie apocalypse can (and probably will) happen at the most inappropriate time. Considering the sheer number of people that will be gathering in Donington Park over the weekend of Download Festival, it stands to reason that it might be one of the WORST places to be stuck in while your mates are chewing on each other’s brains. Unless you’re packing a small armoury of weapons in your two-man tent (and we hope you’re not), you’re gonna need some help to survive. Thankfully, the kind, caring members of THE FIVE HUNDRED have taken it upon themselves to put together their Top 10 Tips for surviving the zombie apocalypse during this year’s event – as presented here by guitarist Mark Byrne.
1. CREATE A FORT
Okay, so shit’s hit the fan and the moshpit got weird. Don’t panic, you’ve got this! First of all, you gotta create some sort of fort (or defensive barriers at least) to keep any shuffling weirdos at bay – undead or otherwise. Remember building bed forts and sofa forts when you were a kid? Same thing. Grab a load of band merch, Download t-shirts, fill them with mud, grass, entrails….whatever you can find to make some seriously stylish sandbags. You could bulk-buy and stock up on t-shirts and hoodies beforehand in preparation for the impending doom, or wait for currency to become obsolete in the ensuing chaos and then just sort of….help yourself. The merch guy probably won’t mind, he’ll be too busy hiding in a portaloo. Once you’ve got your fort, you’ll have gained precious minutes to get your shit together, dress up like Rambo and gather a few survivors.
Speaking of survivors…
2. USE THE LEAST VALUABLE BAND MEMBERS AS BAIT
Everybody knows that guitarists are ten a penny (or a dime a dozen, if you’re from the other side of the pond), and that bass players are basically just annoying, failed guitarists. You can quite literally find these two everywhere in abundance, so this makes them PERFECT to use as zombie bait/fodder. Swarmed by walkers with no visible route for escape? Shove a guitarist towards the horde and let the feast begin! While they’re screaming their tits off you’ll be able to glide by with ease. Need a distraction? Buh-bye, bass player! Good vocalists and drummers are much harder to come by…plus a drummer knows how to smack the shit out things, so keep these guys safe!
3. HIDE IN THE RIP AREA
This one’s nice and simple. The majority of zombies won’t have RIP Wristbands, so security just won’t let them in. Access denied, bitch! Stay in RIP, survive in comfort! Genius, huh?
4. PRETEND TO BE DEAD. USE CORPSE PAINT. HANG OUT WITH ROB ZOMBIE. ANYTHING GOES, DUDES!
Now, I’m no expert, but I reckon BEHEMOTH look a little bit more like dead dudes than PARKWAY DRIVE. So, fuck metalcore, dress like black metal barbie and the fuckers will think you’re one of their zom-bros and won’t go near you. Same thing goes for ROB ZOMBIE…I mean…the clue’s IN HIS NAME. Hang out with him and you’ll cruise by.
5. TURN THE SOUND SYSTEM INTO SOME SORT OF SOUND-BASED SUPER-WEAPON
Turn that shit up to 11. Hit up MESHUGGAH on Spotify. Press play. That low 8th string note at a bazillion decibels will blast their putrid flesh off their bones. Delicious Zombie soup to go in just under two minutes, fresh and hot. Can you actually think of a more brutal way to go? Fuck me, that would make a cool shot for a music video.
6. MY GUITAR. MY WEAPON. MY AXE.
You’re gonna have to get creative with your weapons if the zombie apocalypse hits at Download. Your little camping pot ain’t gonna do shit. If you’re gonna put the guitar’s nickname of “axe” to the test, you’ll want to grab something pointy like a Flying-V, a BC Rich or one of them old school Dimebag Dean guitars – they are SUPER pointy and more likely to pierce zombie skull…you’ll be cracking heads in no time and looking super fucking cool while doing it. My guitar? A chunky 8-string – must be made of lead or something, cos it’s DAMN heavy. It already looks like it has survived the zombie apocalypse, cos it’s all taped up and shit, mostly cos I throw it around on stage way too much. No, you can’t have it.
7. BEFRIEND NURSES
Everybody needs a nurse as a mate at Download.
a) They can drink like fish
b) They’re normally massive zombie movie fans, so they know all the tips and tricks to survive Z-day
c) They’ll be the one stocked up with illicit, prescription-strength painkillers. Even if you’re not in pain, they can probably make the whole ordeal a lot less agonising.
It’s a well-known fact that there is a disproportionately high number of metalheads & greebs within the nursing profession, so you really have no excuse. MAKE FRIENDS WITH NURSES.
8. DON’T SLEEP NAKED
As a general rule, I never sleep completely naked in case the zombie apocalypse occurs during the night. Might not be an issue if you have a well fit body, but after years of substance abuse, my body ain’t exactly a fucking sight to behold, and if I get munched, I don’t want be the embarrassing naked zombie with saggy man-tits. Irrational fear? Probably, but I don’t want that for you either. Stay dressed at all times, so you can at least look cool while you’re chowing down on grizzly bits.
9. STAY DRUNK
By Sunday, everybody’s brain is basically a weird, groggy soup after all the beer and sherbet of the weekend. Essentially, the lesson here is, just stay drunk for the whole weekend and no zombie will want your rotting cerebrum anyway. Sorted.
10. “SHAUN” IT
Go to the beer tent and casually wait for all this to blow over. Worked for Simon Pegg, right?
Should there be a zombie outbreak this weekend, well then I guess good luck? Obviously, we’re hoping there won’t be an outbreak but you can never be too prepared…
Download Festival takes place from June 14-16th. Tickets are on sale now and can be purchased here.
