HEAVY MUSIC HISTORY: All You Can Eat – Steel Panther
Hold on to your pearls Mrs Lovejoy, we’re going on the prowl. Not with the STEEL PANTHER record which was released in 2023, but the close-to-the-bone glam metal sphere is where we shall stay. Come one and all ye power bottoms and settle down for All You Can Eat.
April Fools Day 2014 may have brought some silly little pranks but it also heralded the return of one of Los Angeles’ sleaziest exports. Hoping to capture the lightning in a bottle status of Feel The Steel (2009) and Balls Out (2011), the filthy foursome slapped the metaphorical phallus on the table in the form of All You Can Eat. For a band with such a balls to the wall approach however, could the tertiary album measure up?
Before fans and critics alike could dive into the main course, lead single Party Like Tomorrow Is The End Of The World dropped with a star-studded video. UFC fighter Chuck Liddell was joined by Jackass star Steve-O and Breaking Bad’s RJ Mitte to encourage us all to “Get drunk/ Till you puke all over the floor”. Here was this boombastic approach. A very “look at me” attitude. With a potential magnum opus waiting in the wings, STEEL PANTHER demanded the metal sphere’s attention. On October 29, 2013 Party Like Tomorrow Is The End Of The World garnered it. The only issue was they needed to hold it for another five months.
Enter viola led second single The Burden Of Being Wonderful. A catchy power-ballad of sorts about empowerment and self-image. “I’m just a Maserati in a world of Kias” became the badge of honour for STEEL PANTHER fans. The “take me as I am approach” STEEL PANTHER always came to the table with had allowed The Burden Of Being Wonderful to become a fan favourite and a live staple in the years to come. It may not have lived up to Community Property but it’s not all about size, right? We do have to point out that according to certain theories, Leonardo Da Vinci may have not been jealous of the album cover’s interpretation of The Last Supper.
The denouement of the menage á trois came with the rather controversial Gloryhole. A now iconic riff from Satchel (guitar) opened the album release like a speculum. Michael Starr’s (vocal) trademark squeals and sleazy recountings of “a place in France where the naked ladies dance” brought fans flocking in their thousands. While there were no aids needed with this particular number, a video which can’t be described as anything other than x-rated dominated the internet. It was fun, ludicrous, STEEL PANTHER in all their glory… holes.
The third volume of STEEL PANTHER’s Karma Sutra opened on April 1, 2014. The band have prided themselves on creating a division with tongue-in-cheek lyrics which step over and snort the line of misogyny. Their writing style, while clever in some regard, would be akin to something you find scribbled on the toilet cubicle of The World’s End. All You Can Eat was certainly no different.
Opening with flamenco style Pussywhipped felt reminiscent of the deliciously grimy 17 Girls In A Row. The lyrics were as snappy as Lexxi Foxx’s basslines. Stix Zadinia (drums) drove the beat through If I Was The King. With Bukkake Tears (Google it), we were buying what Michael Starr was selling. Nothing was off limits. Moreso when DEF LEPPARD’s Vivian Campbell ripped a new solo through Gangbang At The Old Folks Home. Hey, age doesn’t mean libido dies out. It was this humour which kept people hooked. Up until a certain point.
Campbell’s revisitation of joining the band for a rendition of DIO’s Rainbow In The Dark back in 2012 couldn’t sweeten the bad taste of hinting towards talk of necrophilia. Did the ick list we all keep as Ten Strikes You’re Out pokes fun at really need that zest of beastiality? All You Can Eat started to show fans that while you drew the line somewhere, STEEL PANTHER clearly didn’t. How do you stay relevant if you don’t push the boundaries? Though we will praise the sentiment behind She’s On The Rag – “riding the Crimson Tide” isn’t a fun time for women either.
It wasn’t just this butting of the boundary STEEL PANTHER was coming up against. Some people were simply not finding the joke funny anymore. Stephen Hill of Metal Hammer wrote “The whole bawdy ‘Oooh matron!’ shtick has been stretched to breaking point further than one of the Panther’s earliest groupies”. Stereoboard’s Alec Chillingworth added about She’s On The Rag in particular that the joke goes “a tad too far”.
Yet critics weren’t as savage as they would be towards 2017’s Lower The Bar. In fact there was a counter for every negative written. In the same review for Metal Hammer, Hill penned “Lesser bands would be long forgotten by now with this approach. Luckily for Steel Panther, they’re still better than all their peers.”. Chillingworth argued for Stereoboard “they play hard, they play heavy”. While Classic Rock’s Jon Hotten stated “Good ideas aren’t always new but they have their time, and Steel Panther’s timing has been perfect.”.
Ten years on and All You Can Eat is showing signs of fading into the background. Fan favourite Pussywhipped was the flagship of STEEL PANTHER shows as it set the tone for ninety minutes of debauchery. Now with newer material needing promotion, it’s simply left to watch the fun from the corner. The only song now to be played in the live arena is Gloryhole – a time where more than 17 girls are brought up on stage to celebrate the inclusion the sex aid can bring. Aside from this, and a rare performance of Bukkake Tears with a fan in London’s Crobar (RIP), the All You Can Eat buffet is rarely visited by the band. Yet it’s The Burden Of Being Wonderful, Bukkake Tears, and Gangbang At The Old Folks Home which keeps the fan coming back. As some will say, stamina is far more important than size and All You Can Eat has stamina by the bucketload.
All You Can Eat was originally released on April 1, 2014 via Open E Music.
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