Reaching Out: A Personal and Reflective Diary from Arcaeon’s Sam Machin
Mental health problems are indiscriminate. Regardless of gender, creed or social status, mental health impacts us all. Although awareness for mental health problems have gotten better in leaps and bounds since the turn of the century, there is still much work to be done to ensure that anyone who is struggling with their mental health receives the adequate and necessary care. In the creative world, mental health problems are well documented, from the high profile tragic losses of Chester Bennington or Chris Cornell to the more subtle afflictions experienced throughout the music industry. Now, we are big fans of ARCAEON (we’ve covered them extensively here on Distorted Sound) but when their guitarist Sam Machin reached out to us with his story we felt compelled to host it in the hope it will inspire and connect with anyone who is struggling with their own mental health. Read on for Sam‘s story, the journey he went through from an incredibly dark period followed by a healing period, in which he documented the steps he took to get himself out of being close to suicide whilst writing the album they are working on at the moment.
Nothing on earth could have prepared me for the rollercoaster ride I have white knuckled on for the past four years. I want to start by saying that in no way do I want to gain sympathy or recognition for my story, I want to reach out, guide and otherwise help people in similar situations
The lessons I have learned within this time have shaped me into someone I am incredibly proud of and content with, and it started with the darkest downward spiral that I can confidently say I came out of not unscathed but healed, and happy.
The whole of last year was spent finishing writing the debut ARCAEON album, it was the hardest thing I think I have put myself through to date. I have had some very rough experiences with making music before, being taken for a ride for upwards of 2K on an incomplete previous record, (Clockwork – Glimmer) and having to pull myself from a toxic lifestyle of continual alcohol abuse. It takes its toll, and leaves you with bittersweet memories.
I like to think I have a hopelessly accidental affinity to music, I don’t have the slightest idea what I am doing when it comes to making songs. I just do it, and share an intimate connection with what I create. It is, at times incredibly turbulent and when forced feels smothering and relentlessly claustrophobic. Sound familiar? If you have ever been in a bad relationship, its the same feeling. You begin to break away from something that once felt so right and perfect as you analyse every detail often without recognising you are doing it. (There I go, talking to myself again – its familiar territory) But I still go on loving it. I still come back for more and when its right and its working it is a wonderful feeling.
Last year did not go very well very often at all.
I had just gone AWOL from my seventh job in four years, a month into beginning writing. I had gone through a break up and had been mixing antidepressant medication with alcohol frequently.
A huge factor in my life has been losing my father to depression and addiction from an early age. You go through life feeling like there is something permanently wrong and different about you, then the genetics hit in and all of that snowballs into me following the same footsteps and falling deeper into the hole. (I would like to add that my mum and family have been amazing support throughout my life). Believing I could channel all the desolate, lost, fucked up emotions I had been trying to bury I signed on and taught guitar at home to try and get by. All the while writing the album.
I often have about six things going round in my head. I have ‘eidetic memory’ meaning that I remember vividly most of my childhood up until right now, so as you can imagine there is a lot of that, and just about every creative means in terms of colours relating to sounds, settings and environments relating to music, themes and motifs relating to characters and situations etc.
It is an absolute curse and a secret blessing. I would lay in bed for hours, sometimes staying up two days straight going from bed-bound self loathing straight to the computer to write. All the while being extremely poor, changing between antidepressants frequently unable to face the early side effects. We were still playing spots of shows, smaller underground shows for the most part, most of which I really suffered at in terms of abusing alcohol and generally feeling very isolated and introverted. I did not enjoy playing live music anymore. It hurt. It all sounded disappointing in my ears and any praise we did receive came across as sympathy. I kept writing at home as much as I could, continually throwing what I can remember being very good music away – “Its not different enough”, “Its childlike”, “Its pointless, you are never going to amount to what you expect to be” would follow eventually with – “This will have to do, I cant force this anymore” to – “I kind of like this” only to listen back eventually in a weeks time and think – “okay its good” I would have to be told frequently by bandmates that sections had to be kept, my self confidence making for a lot of poor decisions in terms of what to scrap.
During that time I got so lost in how I felt about life. I found another job and was bullied out of it. An office job. I got up and left after being repeatedly cornered and scrutinised for my quietness. I was now screwed. My benefits were now cancelled and I had to stop teaching guitar due to my mental health. No income, several debts to pay off (music related) all the while the crushing realisation I hated the album I had made and I hated myself for letting everyone I knew down. I daren’t go out to alleviate the pain to spare being blackout drunk on hard booze and mirtazapine (I would end up in random places sometimes in the rain with no recollection of what had happened). There came a dark point where I was ready to let everything go, and this hadn’t been the first time but I felt completely hopeless. I had tried twice before to end things and failed in that space of four years.
Check the emails for jobs I have applied for but know I will hate and will not fit in at, even if I try – So used to nothing even coming back. I had fought hard, and finally after this scare, saw past the brutal early side effects of medicine that would help me and it was working, I felt lost and alone a lot still, there were times where I would snap at bandmates, people I love and hold dear, it didn’t make sense, it was just playing out before me, the dark thoughts had gone but the feeling of worthlessness had not gone. I had taken a two month break from music to sort my head out.
“Hickies Music in Reading replied to your email” – In for an interview. Given the job before I had even started being interviewed in the room by someone who I now consider a close friend. I look forward to going to work now. It was worth every hour of every other miserable working situation to have finally landed in something where I am given responsibility, feel loved and appreciated and do not feel as if my time away from what I love to do is being wasted. My connections with my bandmates began to feel stronger and what was me feeling like an angry boss began to take shape into a understanding and level headed mediator. I finished several songs in the space of a month, we actually managed to write more than we originally planned. I enjoy being at home and have taken to collecting SNES games also. I’m in control of my health, including drinking, eating properly and sleeping better. I’m so proud of the album now, and of my best and closest friends who have helped me to shape it, I’m sorry for putting you guys through me being awful!
I’m at a place now in life where I know it’s okay to still be living with my mum, where it is just fine to not be working a job where I earn a massive salary, where it is okay to not be in a big touring band, and it is okay to take time off and not fall into the trap of adding unnecessarily pressure to yourself. Working a day job is one thing, working a (in some cases) minus salary job on top of it and having a sense of urgency or need to stay “noticed” forced upon you by either yourself or someone else is just crazy, its good to be a little bit crazy! But I have learned putting comfort and happiness first is the key to change if you need it. And I NEEDED it, so badly. It happened when I started taking myself seriously and not falling into the trap of self esteem telling me I am only good for being a musician. It started when I saw past the horrible side effects of early medication and started when I let myself properly rest and not feel bad about doing so.
This is my message and the meaning behind this. A little spark can ignite a big fire in your heart, the good kind. One that burns with passion for both your art and yourself, and for others. When you find love in what you are, and what you make you will receive it back. It’s so much easier said than done, but hold on tight, embrace the ride and when you come back you will be an incredibly strong person, and it will reflect in nuances of your being you were not even aware of before. It took me years to get there, and this is entirely very based on situation, I don’t want this to come across as me finding a platform to advertise on, however in many ways, it makes perfect sense. I hope and pray this reaches those who need it most.
Do it for you. The music, the work, the art, the life, the change – absolutely do it for you and be selfish about it if you need to. You get one chance at being around so in effect you are fully entitled to create what makes you happy when you want to.
Sam Machin – ARCAEON
